How to Recover Your "Self" After Surviving Abuse

Dear Readers:

So, you have survived an abusive situation.

Whether the situation was of short or long duration, you are left with often a shaky sense of self and conflicting feelings. You have experienced some of the worst aspects of life and are now working to discover or rediscover the best aspects.

Remember: While you are going through this process, do not expect to stop being fearful, just expect to stop letting fear control you. Let your fear, along with your shame, doubt, and guilt teach you instead. They were all created from imprints and patterns of experiences that need to be re-examined and put through your own truth filter. These reactions were put in place to help you survive, cope, and manage overwhelmingly negative input. They are not "bad", they have a function.

They are just overdeveloped, overused, and no longer needed to be the leader of your mental/emotional gang. Let's get the emotional/mental leaders in place that help you and those around you to thrive, and give them the attention and intention that they need to support your goals and life purpose.

Negativity and violence are indeed a great problem in the world: Right now, awful things are happening. It is foolish to ignore them. However, it is equally foolish to indulge your unhappiness or fear about them. I don’t advocate naivete and assuming only good actions from others, because that mindset will not prepare you for the challenges you meet. It is useless to pretend everything is all okay, but it is very useful to realize there’s a lot that is going well, and that you can contribute to and help grow what is already good, and work to create something even better.

You can learn ways to discover and cultivate the seeds of positive growth within yourself and others. Because RIGHT NOW good things are also happening right beside the bad stuff. While suffering is rampant, love is too. Which energy do you want to feed? How will your suffering help anyone, including yourself, make a positive impact in the world?

As you begin to break away from the burden of the abusive experiences and find out what to let go of and what you have learned that can move you forward in your life, there are several questions that will help you get into the self-determination mindset. To do this exercise, you need to honestly look at your whole self without judgment of thoughts, feelings, actions, and appearance.

Get paper or start a document on the computer and write down your answers to the following questions – don’t edit yourself at first, just let it flow out because your first unedited responses are you automatic/unconsciously based ones. Later you can review, reflect and add, but at first just write whatever comes out:

*What did I believe or know to be true about myself before the abusive experience(s) ?

*Are all these things still true?

*What is still the same as it was before?

*What is different than it was?

*What is new?

*Does someone else's expressing conflict or anger trigger me more or less than it did before?

*Does someone else’s negativity get me down more or less than it did before?

*What triggers my anxiety or depression?

*What triggers my happiness or sense of fulfillment?

*What do I want to strengthen in myself?

*What do I want to release in myself?

*What is my first step toward healing?

You have an inner knowing that is often hidden by all the layers of patterns that have developed in defense and fear over the years. It may be deeply buried, but it is still a spark that can be kindled into a full-blown, life-affirming flame. You have the power to be yourself, fully and authentically blossoming and growing. Let no one, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

When you are feeling discouraged, remember these quotes from amazing women who discovered their true selves and achieved their personal goals despite great obstacles:

Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”

Helen Keller “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

Let your fear be part of the process.

As a reader of this blog, please note that the advice and information given by me as a lifestyle and wellness trainer does not treat mental disorders as defined by the American Psychiatric Association or medical disorders as defined by the American Medical Association. Life and wellness instruction and coaching are not a substitute for medical care, psychotherapy, mental health care, or substance abuse treatment. If you have ongoing medical and/or mental health issues, you should be in ongoing contact with medical and/or mental health professionals.

- Cinda

[Douglas Castle contributed to the editing of this article.]

Gain Victory Over Your Experience of Abuse

Dear Readers:

Do you have a history of abuse? There are ways to avoid the guilt and shame trap that is too often a result of such experiences.

The more you are able to release the shame and guilt which you have stored from the abuse you have experienced (any kind, any level), the more free you will be to discover your purpose and start living it!

It can be crippling to hold onto the shame from not having known how to stop abuse, not stopping it sooner/soon enough, or having participated in your abuse out of fear, financial insecurity, misplaced love or misplaced trust and loyalty.

We may have intense guilt if others were hurt along with us, if we feel we didn't protect who we wanted to, or if we closed our eyes, ears and hearts to what was happening.

Regret, pity, apathy, despair. None of these feelings or attitudes work toward solution or victory from your history. You are more than your past and you can use its lessons to shape your future, instead of destroying it.

One of the first exercises you can use is to purposefully cultivate your awareness and assessment skills of the abusive tactics so you recognize them in action.

THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE

What is Abuse?

Abuse is use of the tactics listed below to control you or to "keep you in line":

• Coercion, threats and intimidation
• Emotional manipulation - taking advantage of your lack of knowledge, love for them, shyness, etc to keep you dependent upon them.
• Social isolation – keeping you away from your support system.
• Economic abuse – taking advantage of financial dependence, lack of job training and skills, withholding money.
• Using male or cultural privilege to keep you in “your place.”
• Using children and fear of their wellbeing to keep you “in line.”
• Using force in sexual actions and sense of entitlement to your body.
• Using force in physical actions and sense of entitlement to your body.

Progression of Abuse

Abusers up the ante from psychological to physical abuse if you don't obey.  Sporadic and unpredictable use of the above tactics, especially the physical violence, is key to keeping you afraid to leave.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

During The Relationship – these tactics are used to steadily erode confidence, body image, self esteem, support system, and eliminate alternatives to the relationship.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL 

After Separation - the most dangerous (and potentially lethal) time period of all...the abuser is most likely to aggressively retaliate against you and all that you value in your life.

The reasons people stay with abusive partners are FEAR-BASED.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

For Example:  

• Fear of losing support systems;
• Fear because of being isolated physically & emotionally;
• Fear you are wrong about abuser (he's just misunderstood, lonely) and hoping for change;
• Economic pressures - no money, housing, education, job
• Family pressure to stay, and being ostracized for
• leaving;
• Lack of information - don't know how to leave, or what help is available;
• Love of partner and hope- remembering how abuser used to be or seeing their potential to change;
• Feel you are not "good enough" if alone;
• Fear of retaliation;
• Threats to safety of self and others;
• Fear of losing children;
• Fear of no help from the criminal justice system;
• Fear no one will believe;
• Fear of being deported;
• Fear of being alone or single;
• Fear of not being desired by anyone else;
• Fear of losing "invested time".

To Avoid The Guilt and Shame of Abuse History, Remember:

ABUSIVE VIOLENCE IS A CHOICE 
A METHOD TO CONTROL YOU AND YOUR RESPONSE

Anger does not cause violence

Alcohol and drugs do not cause violence 

Stress does not cause violence (or he'd be abusing his boss, too)

Your actions, thoughts and words do not cause your abuser's violence

 These factors can be triggers to violent behavior, but are always the abuser's CHOICE.

 THE ABUSER WANTS YOU TO FEEL THERE IS NO CHOICE OR ALTERNATIVE 

1. Abusers depend on your fear controlling your behavior.
2. Abusers depend on your loyalty and that it will outweigh your desire to change the situation.
3. Abusers depend on your ignorance or fear of options.
4. Abusers depend on your optimism that they can change.
5. Abusers depend on your unconditional "love," while theirs is extremely conditional.
6. Abusers work at destroying your identity as anything separate from them to make controlling you easier.
   
   NEXT POST - HOW TO RECOVER YOUR "SELF" AFTER SURVIVING ABUSE.
   
   - Cinda
   

CREATING YOUR INTERNAL LOCUS OF CHOICE AND CONTROL

Dear Readers:

PAIN AVOIDANCE/PLEASURE SEEKING

In general, we seek to feel good and to avoid feeling bad. We make choices based on the probability we believe that they will either make us feel better, or avoid our feeling worse. The problem with the way we tend to do this, is that we primarily look outside ourselves and use our choices seeking to control our environment and others.

We think that if we control others, control the circumstances, we can avoid encountering undesirable stimuli and be provided desirable stimuli. We place the locus of control outside of ourselves. We wait to be presented with things to make us happy and try to set things up so we don’t encounter those things that make us feel bad. And in doing this, we position ourselves for repeated frustration, disappointment and suffering.

It can actually be very freeing to realize that the only thing we “control” is ourselves. As part of a large dynamic system of life, we influence and are a part of co-creating external reality; however, the only piece we alone are in charge of is ourselves. No matter how any situation or person has impacted us, we are still responsible for our choices. These choices may be made under duress, or unconsciously, but we alone make them. And, our choices are always made within a dynamic relationship with others whom they impact. Every action ripples into the world and influences things, sometimes subtly, sometimes obviously. Choice is intimately wrapped with uncertainty, unpredictability and change. You can always choose your own words and actions, but you never choose what others do in response.

With any choice,there is always the possibility of consequences that you cannot predict. Risk and uncertainy are the norm, and must be accepted, as well as expected.

Life is always happening and changing, independent of our likes and dislikes. The more time we spend trying to direct and control external circumstances and people to fit our ideas of how life “should” be, the more overwhelmed and inadequate we feel. Many times, when we realize that we don’t directly control circumstances outside ourselves we feel powerless and defeated. When we feel powerless, our belief in the importance and efficacy of our choices shrinks, and we become depressed.

When our efforts to find something “outside” of us that can make us feel more worthy, adequate and loved don’t work anymore, we become depressed. Depression is a sense of scarcity, in self or in the environment, that leads us to feel as if no matter what we do, there just isn’t enough of what is needed to fix the problems we encounter. There are two basic ways we experience depression, which are really two perspectives arising from the same source: 1) The lack is seen in one’s self. We are flawed, needing to be "fixed"; and 2) the lack is in others, or in the environment’s inability to fix the problem to accommodate our needs.

Whether the lack is seen in ourselves and our innate ability to feel fulfilled, or in the ability of the external environment to provide fulfillment, we say to ourselves “I’ll never be fulfilled. Either because I’m worthless, or nothing will ever fulfill me because it’s worthless."

With all this uncertainty, the consistency of food, its flavor and comfort it brings, are predictable, and we seek it like a lifeline. Food feels like something we have some control over, and the type of fulfillment it provides is satisfying and temporarily fills the physical aspect of our sense of emptiness.

If depression is about the feeling of scarcity, it makes sense that one of the most commonly chosen legal substances we use to treat our depression is food. Feeling full, sated and warm is equated with abundance and happiness.

***Here is a simple 5- minute energy boosting meditation exercise which you can use that helps you to create, from your internal resources, that wonderful warm, and abundant feeling that might have thought that only a good meal could bring.

• Get into a comfortable position (seated or lying down).

• Close your eyes if you are in a place where that is okay to do. Otherwise, pick a focus spot on the wall or horizon to place your gaze.

• Begin noticing your breath and how it moves in your body - do this for at least three breaths.

• Begin noticing your entire body head to toe - how you feel, and how the environment feels around you - any sounds, smells. Do this for at least three breaths.

• Once you can feel really "in" your body, you are ready to move on to the next step.

• Inhale, and imagine that you are bringing in sustenance. Give this sustanance a color that you associate with feeling happy and satisfied, or a word that makes you feel good, or a musical tone that makes you smile. Feel it come in and fill you with what you need.

• Exhale, and imagine you are releasing whatever you don't need, whatever doesn't sustain or help you in your life. Feel it leave you as a color, word or sound as well.

• At each subsequent inhalation of breath, let what you are bringing in fill the empty spaces left by what you release on each exhalation.

• Imagine your body becoming filled with what helps you and emptied of what doesn't.

You can do this before you eat to help you to eat less, but with more true pleasure, or after a difficult emotional or physical encounter in order to regain your equilibrium.

Let me know how this works for you. Happy New Year.

--Cinda

This article was edited by Douglas Castle.

THERE'S A PATTERN HERE

Dear Readers:

In order to begin to get a handle on the relationship between eating and depression, you must first look at the concept of patterns. Patterns permeate our experience. Rituals, musical rhythms and seasonal changes are familiar patterns which give us a sense of belonging and predictability. Patterns can be a source of comfort when they create a feeling of order, influence, control, or mastery in an area of our lives. We feel more competent, confident, and safe when we focus on that which repeats and is repeatable. I think of a pattern as a blueprint or an outline, there are individual characteristics adding variety, but the same general pattern exists in the ways that living things are structured, the matter they are composed of, and how they function.

Patterns Create a Feeling of Safety Because They Provide Predictability

We make choices continuously about what to do or say in the interval between receiving a stimulus and providing a response. Behavior patterns develop initially through trial and error, as we learn that a particular response is successful in creating a desired outcome or avoiding an undesired outcome. A mostly successful response will be repeated and is easily chosen when seemingly similar situations arise. Some patterns can serve us well in circumstances requiring survival or quick reactive physical skills. However, there are many times when a particular response is no longer useful, appropriate, or even a good choice... yet we still tend to hang on to it.

Learned reactions can take on a rigidity after repetition that makes it more and more difficult to choose something different. These patterns then become our default mode or autopilot when we are overwhelmed or flooded with emotion. This is seen most often when the trigger for a particular stimulus is especially sensitive. Then we become stuck and enmeshed in our learned groove. We are especially prone to fall back on our learned patterns in times of crisis, when we are feeling unworthy or inadequate, or have deep uncertainty about our choices.

Eating - A Necessary Pattern for Survival

Eating is necessary for life and is a basic primal need. It is a deeply ingrained pattern. It starts in infancy when our need for sustenance is consistently met, inconsistently met, or usually not met. Nourishment develops as a both source of feeling comforted, safe and loved, and also as a battlefield where control and influence are exerted. Punishment and reward can be doled out in the form of food and food becomes a powerful weapon in control. Food is one of our first experiences of something “external” that we need in order to be okay, to feel better... to experience pleasure. We equate food with feelings of abundance and relaxation, or scarcity and anxiety.

Our relationship with food is linked with feelings of safety, control, and mastery. In healthy and unhealthy ways, we use food to create feelings of fulfillment, abundance, and to avert our sense of scarcity. When we do not feel safe, when we are bombarded from without and within with messages of our inadequacy or unworthiness, we seek that which will help us feel better and be more in charge of our lives. We look to increase the frequency, intensity and duration of whatever appears to help us feel safe, influential, adequate and worthy.

Depression - A Pattern of Feeling Overwhelmed, Inadequate and Unworthy

Depression is characterized by an accumulation of feelings of scarcity, lack of meaning, and loss of control or influence. When we eat to relieve, cover, or gain a sense of control, we can see that we are seeking a way to treat our depression. This creates a call and response pattern that is especially hard to break because eating is not optional. However, how and what we eat is changeable, as is how and what we do to manage our symptoms of depression. We will explore the more promising and proactive options in the next posts.

NEXT POST – Breaking the Eating/Depression Pattern

--Cinda

YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO HEAL YOURSELF...

Welcome!

Before we begin this discussion, I am going to ask you to suspend all of your entrenched and reinforced disbelief in your own miraculous and limitless abilities. I am going to also ask that you relax your body, breathe deeply and fully, and open your mind to the possibility of fulfillment - physical and emotional health and happiness. Visualize a life, your own life, filled with vitality, energy, robust health, enthusiasm and joy. Visualize your life as completely renewed, refreshed...stress replaced with eagerness...fear replaced with confidence...You must awaken your imagination and give it complete freedom to breathe, to grow, to roam...picture your imagination as if it were a giant muscle, becoming more powerful with each visualization, with each positive thought, with each new idea.

Your imagination, and its counterpart, the visualization of success, is immensely powerful. It is the genesis chamber of every success. It is the tool that initiates all accomplishment. Before anything is actualized in your life, it must be visualized (in full sensorial detail!) in your imagination. Every action is preceded by a thought. We become what we think about most. If we merely change our patterns of thinking, we can completely re-design our lives! Every thought mobilizes a field or burst of energy, and this energy has the power to transform every aspect of our lives. It is simple: CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS --CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Sickness and health, just as sorrow and joy, are born in the mind. Your mind.

The mind is more powerful than any supercomputer, and each individual has the ability to change the way he or she thinks. When you change the way in which you think, amazing forces are liberated which actually change the way you experience physical reality. The challenge is to proactively re-train your mind to think in a way that is of the greatest benefit to you, and to the attainment of your greatest desires and aspirations. Remember: Every victory, every discovery, every invention, every innovation, and every occurrence in your life begins with a thought. The thought, fully realized, then is followed by actions to manifest it.

Now imagine what a wonderful state of health, happiness and true success you will actually experience when you master your mind, and teach it to be your ally.

These posts are designed help you to dramatically change your life, though leading your thought processes. Master your mind, and ANYTHING BECOMES POSSIBLE.

Thank you for visiting, and check this blog frequently for new posts and updates.

-- Cinda

p.s. By the way, without even consciously trying, simply by reading the words on this page, a positive change has taken root inside of you. Your transformation has begun.

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