MEETINGS AT WORK: ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS

Dear Friends,

Turn Meetings at work from Deadly Dull to Dynamically Directed with the use of these Simple Questions.

Here is a quick example of a practical way to immediately start improving meetings at work. Meetings are a necessary part of most jobs, but we often dread them because the tone and atmosphere is either a confrontational “prove yourself” reporting, or a dull recitation of details that seem irrelevant or are just "going through the motions".

You can easily make meetings more dynamic by knowing the right questions to ask. Adding just a few key questions can keep your meeting on target, and more productive. If you are the manager or the one organizing the meeting, answer these questions of yourself before you prepare the agenda.

What is the purpose of the meeting? Why are we here?

What are the goals, objectives we are hoping to achieve?

For example, is the meeting’s purpose to work on a big picture, detail, or process focus? Is it supposed to:

• Give information/further understanding,


• Solicit feedback or ideas;


• Outline specific goals or productivity expectations;


• Gain commitment to goal/project;


• Report on progress/obstacles;


• Discuss and assign specific incremental tasks to reach end result desired;


• Discuss end results desired; or


• Build shared vision?

If you are the employee you can interject these questions when a topic is stuck (or being flipped back and forth to avoid any resolution) and not being addressed. For example, if a manager is reporting endlessly on an upcoming project which generates a lot of ideas but no action plan, you can ask about the results that are expected and the incremental tasks needed to achieve them. You can ask about the timeframes within which certain phases will be completed. You don’t have to know all the answers yourself, because the right questions will elicit the best responses.

An important strategy: To avoid scapegoats and shirkers you can ask “what are we going to do?” and "How can we equitably divide this responsibility?" Then, tasks can be assigned within the social contexts of fairness and sharing.

You will avoid taking on more than your share and not allow anyone to disown his or her share of the work. But be aware -- if you do not set an example and immediately accept a portion of the responsibility prior to asking this type of direct question or immediately after having asked it, you will not be effective...in fact, instead of being an inspiration for taking responsibility, you will look like a hypocrite. As a general rule, you must set an example by your actions to set the tone for your questions. This is true for both employers and employees...for both team leaders, and team members.

We all hope if we're patient, someone else will fix the problems we observe in life. We know deep inside that no changes happen just by waiting and wishing for someone to set us free, give us rights, notice our discomfort, or pay us the wages we deserve. We need to stop enduring and start curing the deadly meeting doldrums. Asking the right fundamental questions in a directed manner helps convert expended time into invested time. A meeting is only as good as the results that it produces.

Try this strategy and let me know how it works for you.--Cinda

Postural Techniques for Clarity and Focus

Dear Readers:

Have you ever noticed that how you move, stand and sit influences how you feel and how well you think? When you are feeling fuzzy, tired, upset, or happy, take a moment to notice what your body is doing. Without changing anything, observe what your autopilot physical positions are when you are in these emotional/mental states. What do you automatically do physically to express or repress what is going on with your mind/emotions?

If you haven’t checked yourself in this way, you are missing out on an incredibly simple tool to shift or elevate mood and improve clarity of thought. Your body is constantly reflecting and communicating, to yourself and to others, what you are feeling and thinking. Just as your mind affects your body, your body affects your mind. They are an inseparable system. A shift in one area impacts the whole.

I still remember the first time I really noticed how I stood when I was bored or irritated, for example, when waiting in a long line at the check-out or in a traffic jam. I was unconsciously making myself feel worse by keeping my chin and gaze down, clenching my hands, and slumping/curving my shoulders inwards.

One day I purposefully set forth to change my posture... and yes, my mood changed as well. But what was more surprising to me was how differently I was treated by others when I shifted my posture. During one day of purposefully standing straighter, taller, and with more relaxation, I had three positive experiences with clerks who were harassed and stressed themselves. I am particularly sensitive to the moods of others, so what was most interesting is that their moods did not affect me nearly as strongly as usual when I maintained a straight, tall, and relaxed stance. My positive stance acted as a shield against their negativity! In fact, it may well have acted as a subtle, but positive influence upon them.

A great benefit is that physical alignment and conscious relaxation helps prevent, minimize, and address many common health concerns caused by repetitive motions, slouching, and neck/shoulder tension.

Here is a sample exercise for improving posture:

Start to build your awareness and attention by doing a self-check at least once every hour throughout your day, and especially when you are doing things that are routine, boring, or irritating for you. When you check in, notice your current mood and thoughts, and then observe the following:

• How are you standing, moving or sitting?



• What is happening with your head position, your shoulders and your back?



• What is happening with your arms and legs?



• How does what you are feeling translate into your body position?

Once you have your baseline, make a change such as bringing your back to a straight position with shoulders back, adjusting your chin, bringing your eyes up, unclenching hands, uncrossing legs or arms, or relaxing your facial muscles.

Hold the change for at least three breaths. Notice how you feel. Remember, up to 90% of how people evaluate what is happening in face-to-face communication is based on body language. This means it is not what you say, but the way that you say it and not what you do, but the way that you do it that is most effective.

So friends, try this out and write to me and let me know what you noticed and how things changed for you. I am certain it will be quite an eye opener (especially during those deadly dull meetings)!

Warm Regards,

Cinda

How to Recover Your "Self" After Surviving Abuse

Dear Readers:

So, you have survived an abusive situation.

Whether the situation was of short or long duration, you are left with often a shaky sense of self and conflicting feelings. You have experienced some of the worst aspects of life and are now working to discover or rediscover the best aspects.

Remember: While you are going through this process, do not expect to stop being fearful, just expect to stop letting fear control you. Let your fear, along with your shame, doubt, and guilt teach you instead. They were all created from imprints and patterns of experiences that need to be re-examined and put through your own truth filter. These reactions were put in place to help you survive, cope, and manage overwhelmingly negative input. They are not "bad", they have a function.

They are just overdeveloped, overused, and no longer needed to be the leader of your mental/emotional gang. Let's get the emotional/mental leaders in place that help you and those around you to thrive, and give them the attention and intention that they need to support your goals and life purpose.

Negativity and violence are indeed a great problem in the world: Right now, awful things are happening. It is foolish to ignore them. However, it is equally foolish to indulge your unhappiness or fear about them. I don’t advocate naivete and assuming only good actions from others, because that mindset will not prepare you for the challenges you meet. It is useless to pretend everything is all okay, but it is very useful to realize there’s a lot that is going well, and that you can contribute to and help grow what is already good, and work to create something even better.

You can learn ways to discover and cultivate the seeds of positive growth within yourself and others. Because RIGHT NOW good things are also happening right beside the bad stuff. While suffering is rampant, love is too. Which energy do you want to feed? How will your suffering help anyone, including yourself, make a positive impact in the world?

As you begin to break away from the burden of the abusive experiences and find out what to let go of and what you have learned that can move you forward in your life, there are several questions that will help you get into the self-determination mindset. To do this exercise, you need to honestly look at your whole self without judgment of thoughts, feelings, actions, and appearance.

Get paper or start a document on the computer and write down your answers to the following questions – don’t edit yourself at first, just let it flow out because your first unedited responses are you automatic/unconsciously based ones. Later you can review, reflect and add, but at first just write whatever comes out:

*What did I believe or know to be true about myself before the abusive experience(s) ?

*Are all these things still true?

*What is still the same as it was before?

*What is different than it was?

*What is new?

*Does someone else's expressing conflict or anger trigger me more or less than it did before?

*Does someone else’s negativity get me down more or less than it did before?

*What triggers my anxiety or depression?

*What triggers my happiness or sense of fulfillment?

*What do I want to strengthen in myself?

*What do I want to release in myself?

*What is my first step toward healing?

You have an inner knowing that is often hidden by all the layers of patterns that have developed in defense and fear over the years. It may be deeply buried, but it is still a spark that can be kindled into a full-blown, life-affirming flame. You have the power to be yourself, fully and authentically blossoming and growing. Let no one, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

When you are feeling discouraged, remember these quotes from amazing women who discovered their true selves and achieved their personal goals despite great obstacles:

Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”

Helen Keller “Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

Let your fear be part of the process.

As a reader of this blog, please note that the advice and information given by me as a lifestyle and wellness trainer does not treat mental disorders as defined by the American Psychiatric Association or medical disorders as defined by the American Medical Association. Life and wellness instruction and coaching are not a substitute for medical care, psychotherapy, mental health care, or substance abuse treatment. If you have ongoing medical and/or mental health issues, you should be in ongoing contact with medical and/or mental health professionals.

- Cinda

[Douglas Castle contributed to the editing of this article.]

Gain Victory Over Your Experience of Abuse

Dear Readers:

Do you have a history of abuse? There are ways to avoid the guilt and shame trap that is too often a result of such experiences.

The more you are able to release the shame and guilt which you have stored from the abuse you have experienced (any kind, any level), the more free you will be to discover your purpose and start living it!

It can be crippling to hold onto the shame from not having known how to stop abuse, not stopping it sooner/soon enough, or having participated in your abuse out of fear, financial insecurity, misplaced love or misplaced trust and loyalty.

We may have intense guilt if others were hurt along with us, if we feel we didn't protect who we wanted to, or if we closed our eyes, ears and hearts to what was happening.

Regret, pity, apathy, despair. None of these feelings or attitudes work toward solution or victory from your history. You are more than your past and you can use its lessons to shape your future, instead of destroying it.

One of the first exercises you can use is to purposefully cultivate your awareness and assessment skills of the abusive tactics so you recognize them in action.

THE DYNAMICS OF ABUSE

What is Abuse?

Abuse is use of the tactics listed below to control you or to "keep you in line":

• Coercion, threats and intimidation
• Emotional manipulation - taking advantage of your lack of knowledge, love for them, shyness, etc to keep you dependent upon them.
• Social isolation – keeping you away from your support system.
• Economic abuse – taking advantage of financial dependence, lack of job training and skills, withholding money.
• Using male or cultural privilege to keep you in “your place.”
• Using children and fear of their wellbeing to keep you “in line.”
• Using force in sexual actions and sense of entitlement to your body.
• Using force in physical actions and sense of entitlement to your body.

Progression of Abuse

Abusers up the ante from psychological to physical abuse if you don't obey.  Sporadic and unpredictable use of the above tactics, especially the physical violence, is key to keeping you afraid to leave.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

During The Relationship – these tactics are used to steadily erode confidence, body image, self esteem, support system, and eliminate alternatives to the relationship.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL 

After Separation - the most dangerous (and potentially lethal) time period of all...the abuser is most likely to aggressively retaliate against you and all that you value in your life.

The reasons people stay with abusive partners are FEAR-BASED.LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

For Example:  

• Fear of losing support systems;
• Fear because of being isolated physically & emotionally;
• Fear you are wrong about abuser (he's just misunderstood, lonely) and hoping for change;
• Economic pressures - no money, housing, education, job
• Family pressure to stay, and being ostracized for
• leaving;
• Lack of information - don't know how to leave, or what help is available;
• Love of partner and hope- remembering how abuser used to be or seeing their potential to change;
• Feel you are not "good enough" if alone;
• Fear of retaliation;
• Threats to safety of self and others;
• Fear of losing children;
• Fear of no help from the criminal justice system;
• Fear no one will believe;
• Fear of being deported;
• Fear of being alone or single;
• Fear of not being desired by anyone else;
• Fear of losing "invested time".

To Avoid The Guilt and Shame of Abuse History, Remember:

ABUSIVE VIOLENCE IS A CHOICE 
A METHOD TO CONTROL YOU AND YOUR RESPONSE

Anger does not cause violence

Alcohol and drugs do not cause violence 

Stress does not cause violence (or he'd be abusing his boss, too)

Your actions, thoughts and words do not cause your abuser's violence

 These factors can be triggers to violent behavior, but are always the abuser's CHOICE.

 THE ABUSER WANTS YOU TO FEEL THERE IS NO CHOICE OR ALTERNATIVE 

1. Abusers depend on your fear controlling your behavior.
2. Abusers depend on your loyalty and that it will outweigh your desire to change the situation.
3. Abusers depend on your ignorance or fear of options.
4. Abusers depend on your optimism that they can change.
5. Abusers depend on your unconditional "love," while theirs is extremely conditional.
6. Abusers work at destroying your identity as anything separate from them to make controlling you easier.
   
   NEXT POST - HOW TO RECOVER YOUR "SELF" AFTER SURVIVING ABUSE.
   
   - Cinda
   

CREATING YOUR INTERNAL LOCUS OF CHOICE AND CONTROL

Dear Readers:

PAIN AVOIDANCE/PLEASURE SEEKING

In general, we seek to feel good and to avoid feeling bad. We make choices based on the probability we believe that they will either make us feel better, or avoid our feeling worse. The problem with the way we tend to do this, is that we primarily look outside ourselves and use our choices seeking to control our environment and others.

We think that if we control others, control the circumstances, we can avoid encountering undesirable stimuli and be provided desirable stimuli. We place the locus of control outside of ourselves. We wait to be presented with things to make us happy and try to set things up so we don’t encounter those things that make us feel bad. And in doing this, we position ourselves for repeated frustration, disappointment and suffering.

It can actually be very freeing to realize that the only thing we “control” is ourselves. As part of a large dynamic system of life, we influence and are a part of co-creating external reality; however, the only piece we alone are in charge of is ourselves. No matter how any situation or person has impacted us, we are still responsible for our choices. These choices may be made under duress, or unconsciously, but we alone make them. And, our choices are always made within a dynamic relationship with others whom they impact. Every action ripples into the world and influences things, sometimes subtly, sometimes obviously. Choice is intimately wrapped with uncertainty, unpredictability and change. You can always choose your own words and actions, but you never choose what others do in response.

With any choice,there is always the possibility of consequences that you cannot predict. Risk and uncertainy are the norm, and must be accepted, as well as expected.

Life is always happening and changing, independent of our likes and dislikes. The more time we spend trying to direct and control external circumstances and people to fit our ideas of how life “should” be, the more overwhelmed and inadequate we feel. Many times, when we realize that we don’t directly control circumstances outside ourselves we feel powerless and defeated. When we feel powerless, our belief in the importance and efficacy of our choices shrinks, and we become depressed.

When our efforts to find something “outside” of us that can make us feel more worthy, adequate and loved don’t work anymore, we become depressed. Depression is a sense of scarcity, in self or in the environment, that leads us to feel as if no matter what we do, there just isn’t enough of what is needed to fix the problems we encounter. There are two basic ways we experience depression, which are really two perspectives arising from the same source: 1) The lack is seen in one’s self. We are flawed, needing to be "fixed"; and 2) the lack is in others, or in the environment’s inability to fix the problem to accommodate our needs.

Whether the lack is seen in ourselves and our innate ability to feel fulfilled, or in the ability of the external environment to provide fulfillment, we say to ourselves “I’ll never be fulfilled. Either because I’m worthless, or nothing will ever fulfill me because it’s worthless."

With all this uncertainty, the consistency of food, its flavor and comfort it brings, are predictable, and we seek it like a lifeline. Food feels like something we have some control over, and the type of fulfillment it provides is satisfying and temporarily fills the physical aspect of our sense of emptiness.

If depression is about the feeling of scarcity, it makes sense that one of the most commonly chosen legal substances we use to treat our depression is food. Feeling full, sated and warm is equated with abundance and happiness.

***Here is a simple 5- minute energy boosting meditation exercise which you can use that helps you to create, from your internal resources, that wonderful warm, and abundant feeling that might have thought that only a good meal could bring.

• Get into a comfortable position (seated or lying down).

• Close your eyes if you are in a place where that is okay to do. Otherwise, pick a focus spot on the wall or horizon to place your gaze.

• Begin noticing your breath and how it moves in your body - do this for at least three breaths.

• Begin noticing your entire body head to toe - how you feel, and how the environment feels around you - any sounds, smells. Do this for at least three breaths.

• Once you can feel really "in" your body, you are ready to move on to the next step.

• Inhale, and imagine that you are bringing in sustenance. Give this sustanance a color that you associate with feeling happy and satisfied, or a word that makes you feel good, or a musical tone that makes you smile. Feel it come in and fill you with what you need.

• Exhale, and imagine you are releasing whatever you don't need, whatever doesn't sustain or help you in your life. Feel it leave you as a color, word or sound as well.

• At each subsequent inhalation of breath, let what you are bringing in fill the empty spaces left by what you release on each exhalation.

• Imagine your body becoming filled with what helps you and emptied of what doesn't.

You can do this before you eat to help you to eat less, but with more true pleasure, or after a difficult emotional or physical encounter in order to regain your equilibrium.

Let me know how this works for you. Happy New Year.

--Cinda

This article was edited by Douglas Castle.

POSITIVE MOTIVATION: A TOOL TO STOP THE RISE IN OBESITY!!!

Dear Readers:

A new report shows obesity rates still on the rise:

Recently, a new RWJF (Robert Wood Johnson Foundation)- supported report from Trust for America’s Health (TFAH) stated that not only are we a nation with a significant obesity problem, but that despite what we know about ways to address the issue, obesity rates are still increasing. The study found that over the past year, obesity levels rose in 31 states and no state showed a decline. This disturbing trend is happening despite the large amount of media coverage and focus on weight-loss that exists in our society. Many of us know what we could do, should do or what is best to do. However, doing it at all, not to mention with consistency, is the challenge!

Does our focus on actual weight loss, rather than healthy lifestyle choices, perpetuate the obesity trend? We are constantly bombarded with guaranteed ways to lose weight fast. Most of these short term solutions do very little to help people build a healthier lifestyle, so people see long term results. Most diets are based on depriving yourself in ways that feel punishing, rigid or difficult to maintain. They feel too hard or complicated to do over time.

I learned a simple truth a long time ago in social work school:

• In order to make lasting change, people need to feel it is important to do AND that they can do it.
• If you don’t think it is important and you don’t think you can do it, you don’t even try.
• If you think it’s important but you can’t do it, you become discouraged.
• If you think it isn’t important, but you could do it if you wanted to, then you lack motivation.
• ONLY when sense of importance and a feeling of capability work together can it get done.

However, there is one other key ingredient needed to make lasting changes. Without it, you go back to your old habits. In order to actually reinforce the change, you need to have clarity about your desired outcome and the focus to maintain your attention on the actions needed to get there. Without attention to goals and purpose of an action, we lose our intention. Wherever attention goes, intention follows. Without a way to remind ourselves regularly of all the compelling reasons to take better care of ourselves, we easily backslide. The tendency to return to the habits we know and are comfortable with is always there. Life may not be better with our unhealthy habits, but it sure can seem easier to handle. Eating familiar unhealthy food feels comforting. Watching a show takes a lot less effort than exercising. BUT…If you keep your focus on how healthy food choices and exercise add fulfillment to your life, then maintaining your desired lifestyle changes is possible.

The way I was able to overcome my weight problem, continue to maintain a healthy weight and make consistently healthy food choices, was to practice "moving meditation" - mind focus and clarity building techniques, integrated with martial arts movements. This combination helps me continue to keep taking good care of myself without using negative motivators such as guilt or shame. Moving meditation keeps me aware and able to avoid falling into my “habit energy” or "default mode".

We need to give ourselves enough reasons to make a lasting shift to take care of ourselves and make healthy choices. A desired change has to be more appealing than staying with what we already know and do automatically. Support from loved ones, seeing positive examples, finding exercise you like, and availability of reasonably priced healthy food all help people feel more able and prepared to make the change. Doing a physical activity with mind and breath focused provides a way to keep your attention on your goals and maintain your clarity of purpose while you get there.

All the best!

--Cinda

SLEEP MORE, WEIGH LESS?

Dear Readers:

One healthy and relatively easy way to help children prevent or minimize their susceptibility to excess weight gain is to simply make sure that they get a good, full night’s sleep on a regular basis. Sufficient sleep is a very important component of weight management, along with a healthy diet, proper exercise, and positive emotional support.

Most Westernized children get fewer hours of sleep and less quality sleep than they need, which can disrupt the hormones that help control weight gain, says Dr. Shahrad Taheri from Bristol University*. While sleep is only one factor contributing to weight gain, it has ripple effects on nearly all of the other factors. Studies show that sleep deprivation disrupts the production of hormones that regulate both appetite and energy expenditure. For example, the level of ghrelin, a hormone released by the stomach that tells us when we are hungry, was found to be 15% higher in people who have only five hours' sleep per night than those getting a full eight hours. This link between obesity and too little sleep is strongest in children and teens. The Avon Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children in the UK (conducted in the 1990s) revealed that insufficient sleep at thirty months was a predictor of the propensity toward obesity at age seven.

How else does the lack of sleep contribute to why we gain excess weight? I’ve come up with some ideas. Let me know what else you’ve observed:

• When you sleep less there is more opportunity to fit in an extra meal or late night snack;
• You don’t burn many calories while you do sleep, so late night food is not being used and is being stored as fat;
• If you eat heavy food late at night, it contributes to troubled sleep quality by causing such problems as heartburn, indigestion, nausea and sometimes disturbing dreams;
• When you’re chronically tired you feel unmotivated to do anything active;
• If you aren’t active, your metabolism is slower and you are more tired and less likely to become active, choosing instead such sedentary activities as watching television, playing video games, emailing or talking on the phone;
• When you are involved in sedentary activities it tends to be easier to lose track of time and stay up too late...you can see the vicious cycle...

From personal experience, I can tell you that making the choice to not eat anything heavy late at night and getting adequate sleep is a great investment in your family’s health. Along with the focus and willpower I gained from my martial arts training, the change in my late night eating and getting better sleep made me more willing and able to exercise. Before martial arts training, I would force myself to be active, and was so tired I would keep pushing the snooze button and get up at the last minute, with very little motivation to get going on my daily activities. I would be so exhausted I would escape by reading or watching tv at night, and before I knew it I was up too late, and the cycle started all over again.

If you exclude late night munching, get better sleep, and incorporate a program that engages you to help you to stay on track with your personal and fitness goals, you and your family will be well on your way to a healthier, happier future.

* “Childhood Obesity Linked to Youngsters Staying Up Too Late," based on UK research in an article by JENNY HOPE -19th October 2006.

--Sifu Cinda Hocking

YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO HEAL YOURSELF...

Welcome!

Before we begin this discussion, I am going to ask you to suspend all of your entrenched and reinforced disbelief in your own miraculous and limitless abilities. I am going to also ask that you relax your body, breathe deeply and fully, and open your mind to the possibility of fulfillment - physical and emotional health and happiness. Visualize a life, your own life, filled with vitality, energy, robust health, enthusiasm and joy. Visualize your life as completely renewed, refreshed...stress replaced with eagerness...fear replaced with confidence...You must awaken your imagination and give it complete freedom to breathe, to grow, to roam...picture your imagination as if it were a giant muscle, becoming more powerful with each visualization, with each positive thought, with each new idea.

Your imagination, and its counterpart, the visualization of success, is immensely powerful. It is the genesis chamber of every success. It is the tool that initiates all accomplishment. Before anything is actualized in your life, it must be visualized (in full sensorial detail!) in your imagination. Every action is preceded by a thought. We become what we think about most. If we merely change our patterns of thinking, we can completely re-design our lives! Every thought mobilizes a field or burst of energy, and this energy has the power to transform every aspect of our lives. It is simple: CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS --CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

Sickness and health, just as sorrow and joy, are born in the mind. Your mind.

The mind is more powerful than any supercomputer, and each individual has the ability to change the way he or she thinks. When you change the way in which you think, amazing forces are liberated which actually change the way you experience physical reality. The challenge is to proactively re-train your mind to think in a way that is of the greatest benefit to you, and to the attainment of your greatest desires and aspirations. Remember: Every victory, every discovery, every invention, every innovation, and every occurrence in your life begins with a thought. The thought, fully realized, then is followed by actions to manifest it.

Now imagine what a wonderful state of health, happiness and true success you will actually experience when you master your mind, and teach it to be your ally.

These posts are designed help you to dramatically change your life, though leading your thought processes. Master your mind, and ANYTHING BECOMES POSSIBLE.

Thank you for visiting, and check this blog frequently for new posts and updates.

-- Cinda

p.s. By the way, without even consciously trying, simply by reading the words on this page, a positive change has taken root inside of you. Your transformation has begun.

~ ~ ~