You Call This Vacation?

I have found the best way to stay stressed on a family vacation or outing - treat it like a job or duty and think it is all up to you to make it good for everyone. Take all complaints to heart and try to fix them immediately.

Remember in order to make it nice and stressful, have an inflexible check list of things to do. Hurry to see all the sights (or relatives) that you can, and get through as many as possible each day with a big fake smile on your face and wonder why no one is appreciating all the work you did to make it happen. Constantly take pictures and video. Buy memorabilia you have to carry around with the camera, snacks, jackets, hats, sunglasses and credit cards. Buy and eat a lot of overpriced junk food while exhausted and grouchy from long lines and crowds just so you can get everyone to stop complaining for a minute.

Sound familiar?

How has this become our idea of vacation time? Why are we doing it? Where happened to cultivating your passion, learning new things, exploring new places and trying new activities?

When a long family vacation comes around, we set ourselves up for stress and disappointment. If you feel desperate and in a hurry to squeeze the vacation for every last drop of fun, and expect the vacation to make up for all the hard days you've had, you are bound to find ways it isn't doing that. You will start to focus on what isn't working, rather than what is.

You can break this pattern. Go do something you enjoy with your loved ones, and also do something they enjoy. Spend time with each other, walk, talk, play, sit around and take in the sights, and have spontaneous adventures. The way that you do things is just as important as what you do. Ask everyone to pitch in when packing, cleaning up and doing chores on vacation. Play music, dance and be silly while you do the chores together.

Vacation Stress Prevention Tip: Don't wait until vacation and try to cram in doing things you enjoy. Every day take a vacation or outing from your daily routine for at least 15 minutes. Do something you love. Be with someone you love. Sit in your hammock, soak your feet, get creative, feed your soul. Simplify. Create the vacation you want to have, at least a little bit, each day.

Warm Regards,

Cinda

Why Meditation?

Meditation is the practice of training yourself in constant observation of your mind. You practice being aware of your emotions, sensations, and thoughts without jumping into judging, ignoring, or indulging them. Increased self-knowledge is the goal of meditation. With self-knowledge, you are better able to be fully conscious and present in all aspects of your life. One of the best benefits of increased self-awareness is the ability to work with your conditioned reactions to stressful stimuli. In meditation, you learn to see yourself more and more clearly by exercising your internal observer muscle. When the internal observer gains strength, you can begin to make more frequent conscious choices, so that while your history always informs you, it no longer always leads you.

There are many types of meditation and varying techniques, but there are basic principles that are the foundation of most meditation practices. These essential components are:

1) Learning to focus your mind on a chosen point, for example observing your breath, and then bringing your wandering mind back to that focus whenever you catch yourself (which you will) following something else and

2) Simply observing everything that you are thinking and feeling. Notice everything happening through your senses, as well as the accompanying thoughts and emotions.

Basic meditation is not about quieting or stilling the mind, and is not all mysterious. Meditation is quite simple, but is not a natural activity. We operate on autopilot most of the time, so it is challenging to learn to exercise conscious awareness. It takes consistent practice to cultivate and maintain this ability. Most people experience discomfort, boredom, restlessness and internal chatter when first begin to meditate. They think that because their mind and body are moving all around it means they are a failure, so they quit meditating. This is too bad because being able to observe all your internal activity is a good thing and means you are succeeding in increasing your awareness! Brains think, bodies feel, and nervous systems relay messages. All that natural activity is always happening, but with meditation you learn to be aware of it. What you are aware of, you can intentionally direct and use for positive purposes. What you are not aware of operates without your intention. In meditation, you are training yourself to pay attention differently than you ever have before. Instead of life happening “to” you, you start to see your life happening “because” of and “with” you.

I highly recommend at least 15 minutes a day of meditation with a breath focus alternating with meditation with a simple observation focus. Even a few minutes at a time is helpful throughout your day. Meditation is an amazing tool for self-growth and improved health.

Warm Regards,
Cinda

Just Say OUCH!

When you get hit, physically or emotionally, it hurts. The weapon can be words, fists, or body language - they all hurt when you receive them. And, they hurt even more when they are attached to thoughts that diminish and victimize you.

Most people don't want to admit it hurt, or get entirely wrapped up in how much it hurts so we inadvertently make the blow even harder by thinking there is something wrong with us - that we should have seen it coming and avoided it, that it shouldn't hurt so much, that we somehow brought it on or asked for it, that we are being wimpy because it did hurt, or wondering what was wrong with us that it happened at all. REALIZE THIS- Just because what someone said or did hurt doesn't diminish me, and just because I took on the hit didn't make me a victim...unless I decided it did.

Reminder: whether the person meant to hit me or not, I received their action as a hit. Regardless of their intent and whatever their reason was, I took an imprint of the action as a blow to my physical and emotional integrity, or as a threat to my sense of identity. Later, when I find out that maybe it was an accident, not intended to hurt, I misunderstood or misinterpreted the action, it helps me to repair and recover more quickly and give less power and meaning to the incident. If, however, the person really did intend their action, it was personal, it has the likelihood to become an even stronger imprint as my defensive conditioning is triggered.

So just say Ouch! If you couldn't prevent a hit, didn't see it coming, then you minimize damage, learn from it, and begin to heal. Remember to stop adding to the pain by beating yourself up because it happened. Ask yourself what was really threatened, what was really damaged and what it really means to you. The meaning you attach to the blow is what adds to or diminishes its impact. The meaning you give it is what makes you a victim rather than an survivor. The meaning you give it can be an opportunity for growth or cause for despair. You didn't choose to get hit, but you can choose to move on.

Warm Regards

Cinda

Telling the Truth – A Tool for Communication or a Weapon for Control?

There is truth that feels good and truth that feels bad. Today we are going to focus on the “hard” truths, the ones that are difficult to give or receive.

We have all heard the sayings “The Truth Will Set You Free” and “Truth Hurts,” and depending on the delivery and the circumstances, both statements are indeed…true! Giving or receiving hard truth is both liberating and painful. When illusions are stripped, a void is left where a new foundation needs to be built, but at the same time there is more clarity to build the new foundation on.

Whether giving or receiving, the truth is a powerful tool that demands responsible use. The most responsible way to face truth is to ask yourself three things:

1. What is the intention of the communication?
2. What is the effectiveness of the method that conveys that intention?
3. What is the expectation (desired results) of the communication?

Intention: Our intention for using the truth can range from attempting to build understanding to attempting to control behavior or circumstances. Unclear or hurtful intentions will dilute or negate any potential positive effect that is hoped for. If you know your intention when giving and receiving someone's truth, then you are more able to keep to your positive goals and purpose in the interaction.

Method: The truth is powerful, no denying it. How it is delivered as well as the state of mind of the participants make a huge difference on how it is received. Our relationship with ourselves at any given moment always impacts our relationship with others. Hard truth can be delivered with compassion, with force, with tentativeness, or indirectly, depending on the skill and emotions of the individual. It can be received with compassion, defensiveness, confusion, or denial. This does not make it any less or more true, but it does make it more or less heard and more or less acted on! Think about your triggers, what makes it harder and easier for you to give or receive difficult feedback.

Expectation: The expectation is the desired result of the communication. Is it gratitude, understanding, change, participation problem solving, or just seeking understanding? Watch yourself and your triggers if when giving or receiving truth you find yourself getting hooked into wanting someone to share the pain and suffering you are feeling. You will likely get what you want in this goal for the short term, but this tactic can destroy the potential for creating long term solutions that also may be a mutual goal. If you think more expansively when faced with your triggers, remember we are all trying to avoid pain and suffering and be happier (even if we choose dysfunctional ways to try to achieve it). What do you really want to achieve here? Keeping your bigger picture in mind helps keep the hard truth from being denied or becoming the only thing in your mind.

Remember, you are always more than your emotions, thoughts, and meanings you attach to them - you are also the energy which directs it all. You are both the observer and the observed. Aligning these aspects to work together for your growth and goals...that's a wonderful thing.

Warm Regards,

Cinda

Check out our programs and products website at
http://www.internalenergyplus.com
for tools and techniques for your personal and professional life

Reclaiming the Holidays

What does the winter holiday you celebrate mean to you?

The word "holiday" comes from the term "holy day". According to the Free Dictionary, "Holy" has many meanings depending on its use:

1. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred

2. Regarded with or worthy of worship or veneration; revered

3. Living according to a strict or highly moral religious or spiritual system; saintly

4. Specified or set apart for a religious/spiritual purpose

5. Solemnly undertaken; sacrosanct

6. Regarded as deserving special respect or reverence

Holidays have evolved (or devolved) to include purely commercial and practical purposes. Nowadays, holidays consist of time off work, time for family life and feasting, and extra opportunity for recreation, celebration and gratitude. On holidays we are given permission to rest from our daily routine and ideally use the time to focus on things that make life enjoyable, purposeful, meaningful and fulfilling.

What can you do this holiday season, and continue to do every day, so that each day has at least a little holiday in it? What can you do, give, appreciate, or take care of today to add a bit more holiday to your life? When that's done, can you do something else tomorrow?

Is there any reason to wait for a special day to show and share gratitude, generosity, gaiety and growth? Why is any other day any more worthy or special than this day and this moment right now? What is stopping you? What is helping you?

Warm Regards,
Cinda

Jealousy and Envy 101

My basic philosophy is summed up best in a quote (I don’t know who first said it) “relationship is primary, everything else is derivative.” Everything we experience is generated by our relationships (real or imaginary) with something we perceive.

All of us have been jealous or envious of another and what we perceive about their relationships. And most of us have been jealous and envious more often than we like to admit!

Here is how it usually goes: we see someone else with something we used to have, wish we had, or want to have more of. When we admire someone it is because they exhibit some quality we find valuable, or have something/someone we used to have in our lives, wish we had in our lives or want to develop more of in our lives.

Sometimes we are able to feel glad for the other person while wishing it was us having that relationship instead or along with them. Other times we simply experience a sense of unfairness, and we do not wish the other person well. In this case, we think they don’t deserve it (and we do) or there is not enough for both of us and if they have it, we can’t.

Whatever it is we perceive the other person having, we think that our not having it diminishes us somehow. Or, their possession of it threatens a key component to our identity, usually a sense of being special or important.

This conditioned response is based in a scarcity model of life. We feel that the other person having something means there is less or none of that admirable thing available for us. And, at one level, this perception is accurate. If someone else gets the last tank of gas at the pump, there is indeed no more gas in that pump for you. However, there are likely other gas stations you could go to in order to fill up. Alternately, there are cars that run on other types of fuel and many alternate ways to get yourself from point A to point B. However, if all you are focused on is who got the last drop of gas in that particular pump, then indeed there is something you can’t and don’t have. When we say “there is an energy crisis” what we really mean is there is a fossil fuel crisis. There is plenty of energy, but not enough of a certain type that we prefer and are used to using.

Often, when jealousy or envy is triggered, what is threatened is our habitual and preferred way of thinking about ourselves as special. When others appear not to recognize our specialness, or take something to which we feel entitled, we go from feeling secure to feeling inadequate and uncertain.

What are some good strategies for taking our jealous and envious reactions and the energy created by them and using it to create abundance instead of scarcity, to respond positively to the challenge instead of indulging in destructive behavior?

How To Use Your Jealousy and Envy For Growth - Some Easy Guidelines:

1) Don’t Just Imitate – Integrate!

You will never be anything but a second-rate version of someone else. You may admire the qualities and skills of another, but anytime you catch yourself inflating or diminishing yourself when comparing yourself with them, you are missing the point. Go ahead and learn and integrate the skills and behaviors you admire in the other person, but make them your own, imbue them with your unique expression. Be the absolute first-rate you!

2) Don’t just Agitate – Motivate!

If you want something, how can you get it in a way that benefits everyone in the relationship? How can you take your desire for change and have it add to, rather than take away from the relationship? What can you do that doesn’t rely on needing to inflate yourself or deflate another in order to feel ok? Don't just react against something and stew in the feelings of unfairness and inadequacy that your jealousy generates, do something positive for yourself that you can feel good about. Being against something is easy, being for yourself...that takes some action!

3) Don’t Just Regurgitate – Innovate!

Ask yourself these questions before just going on autopilot and spewing the usual reaction to your envy or jealousy

• Is there really scarcity here – not enough for me to share in?
• Do I feel a sense of unfairness?
• Do I see myself as a victim here? What are the advantages and disadvantages of my victim mindset?
• What can I do right now that is a new behavior to free me from my negative pattern?

Realize that your perception and subsequent interpretation of your experiences are mostly learned and should be questioned as they may or may not be accurate. Whatever you interact with can provide a sounding board, a focus, a mirror, a target, an excuse, permission to feel your feelings, inspiration to think your thoughts, and material to derive meaning and purpose from life. What you choose to do is up to you. Why not use each experience to learn and grow? What are you waiting for?

Warm Regards,

Cinda

Simple Doesn't Mean Easy

Many of the tried and true practices offered to enhance self-growth, personal development, and build relationships are quite simple in theory. The concepts are easy to understand, make sense ethically and logically, and they sound easy to implement. And, they would be easy to practice if we were doing them with our whole heart and mind, but we usually aren't. Instead, they compete with the conditioned behaviors and responses which, (although they are hidden from our conscious mind) are our default operating mode. We try to insert a new practice into a maze of conflicting priorities. We are stressed and exhausted and worried while longing to realize our personal truth, deepest goals and essential selves.

One of the most common mistakes we make when we start a new practice for self-growth, is to expect results to happen immediately. If they don't, we think the practice isn't working and give up. Most people don't test the efficacy of a new practice by giving it enough time to become a pattern compelling enough to replace the old behavior or problem. We really want there to be a magic remedy - something that comes from outside of us and fixes everything. We may know that the only lasting changes we make come from within, but we wish a lightning bolt solution would strike us and fix what ails us!

Many people experience the beginning stages of empowerment of our true essence at retreats, or in places where the environment does not contain our usual stressers and triggers. We leave these experiences euphoric and motivated. But, when we get home and are no longer isolated from our day-to-day lives, our the ability to maintain that state of mind is sorely challenged. The autopilot reactions we learned to cope with conflict and unwanted stimuli step back into the forefront again, unless we are very aware and consistently practice the strategies or methods we have chosen to improve our life experience.

When you decide what you want to do to improve your experience of life, whether it is
eating healthier foods, getting more exercise, meditation, practicing mindfulness, spiritual study, or another creative expression, you need to keep at it daily so it has the opportunity to become as easy for you as your current behaviors are. Our undesired behaviors and reactions had many years to become habit, so we need to allow the new activity time to be cultivated, grow, and blossom.

Here are a few techniques you can use to keep your focus and re-commit to your new practices daily:

• Remembering that creating and sustaining new behaviors takes thought and effort at the beginning
  
• Remembering why we chose to do this - what are the benefits we are intending
• Finding ways to create the intended benefits throughout the day in smaller units, in addition to regular more lengthy practice
• Approach the new practice as a pleasure because of the benefits it provides, rather than focusing on how difficult it is because it is new and different
• Tracking progress and challenges in a journal or log - puts more intention into the activity

I encourage you to contact me to let me know how the ideas and suggestions from these blogs are working for you. I want to hear about what works best, where you are challenged, and any adaptations you have discovered. You can reply directly to the blog or email me at cindahocking@yahoo.com.

Warm Regards,

Cinda