Telling the Truth – A Tool for Communication or a Weapon for Control?

There is truth that feels good and truth that feels bad. Today we are going to focus on the “hard” truths, the ones that are difficult to give or receive.

We have all heard the sayings “The Truth Will Set You Free” and “Truth Hurts,” and depending on the delivery and the circumstances, both statements are indeed…true! Giving or receiving hard truth is both liberating and painful. When illusions are stripped, a void is left where a new foundation needs to be built, but at the same time there is more clarity to build the new foundation on.

Whether giving or receiving, the truth is a powerful tool that demands responsible use. The most responsible way to face truth is to ask yourself three things:

1. What is the intention of the communication?
2. What is the effectiveness of the method that conveys that intention?
3. What is the expectation (desired results) of the communication?

Intention: Our intention for using the truth can range from attempting to build understanding to attempting to control behavior or circumstances. Unclear or hurtful intentions will dilute or negate any potential positive effect that is hoped for. If you know your intention when giving and receiving someone's truth, then you are more able to keep to your positive goals and purpose in the interaction.

Method: The truth is powerful, no denying it. How it is delivered as well as the state of mind of the participants make a huge difference on how it is received. Our relationship with ourselves at any given moment always impacts our relationship with others. Hard truth can be delivered with compassion, with force, with tentativeness, or indirectly, depending on the skill and emotions of the individual. It can be received with compassion, defensiveness, confusion, or denial. This does not make it any less or more true, but it does make it more or less heard and more or less acted on! Think about your triggers, what makes it harder and easier for you to give or receive difficult feedback.

Expectation: The expectation is the desired result of the communication. Is it gratitude, understanding, change, participation problem solving, or just seeking understanding? Watch yourself and your triggers if when giving or receiving truth you find yourself getting hooked into wanting someone to share the pain and suffering you are feeling. You will likely get what you want in this goal for the short term, but this tactic can destroy the potential for creating long term solutions that also may be a mutual goal. If you think more expansively when faced with your triggers, remember we are all trying to avoid pain and suffering and be happier (even if we choose dysfunctional ways to try to achieve it). What do you really want to achieve here? Keeping your bigger picture in mind helps keep the hard truth from being denied or becoming the only thing in your mind.

Remember, you are always more than your emotions, thoughts, and meanings you attach to them - you are also the energy which directs it all. You are both the observer and the observed. Aligning these aspects to work together for your growth and goals...that's a wonderful thing.

Warm Regards,

Cinda

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Reclaiming the Holidays

What does the winter holiday you celebrate mean to you?

The word "holiday" comes from the term "holy day". According to the Free Dictionary, "Holy" has many meanings depending on its use:

1. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred

2. Regarded with or worthy of worship or veneration; revered

3. Living according to a strict or highly moral religious or spiritual system; saintly

4. Specified or set apart for a religious/spiritual purpose

5. Solemnly undertaken; sacrosanct

6. Regarded as deserving special respect or reverence

Holidays have evolved (or devolved) to include purely commercial and practical purposes. Nowadays, holidays consist of time off work, time for family life and feasting, and extra opportunity for recreation, celebration and gratitude. On holidays we are given permission to rest from our daily routine and ideally use the time to focus on things that make life enjoyable, purposeful, meaningful and fulfilling.

What can you do this holiday season, and continue to do every day, so that each day has at least a little holiday in it? What can you do, give, appreciate, or take care of today to add a bit more holiday to your life? When that's done, can you do something else tomorrow?

Is there any reason to wait for a special day to show and share gratitude, generosity, gaiety and growth? Why is any other day any more worthy or special than this day and this moment right now? What is stopping you? What is helping you?

Warm Regards,
Cinda

Jealousy and Envy 101

My basic philosophy is summed up best in a quote (I don’t know who first said it) “relationship is primary, everything else is derivative.” Everything we experience is generated by our relationships (real or imaginary) with something we perceive.

All of us have been jealous or envious of another and what we perceive about their relationships. And most of us have been jealous and envious more often than we like to admit!

Here is how it usually goes: we see someone else with something we used to have, wish we had, or want to have more of. When we admire someone it is because they exhibit some quality we find valuable, or have something/someone we used to have in our lives, wish we had in our lives or want to develop more of in our lives.

Sometimes we are able to feel glad for the other person while wishing it was us having that relationship instead or along with them. Other times we simply experience a sense of unfairness, and we do not wish the other person well. In this case, we think they don’t deserve it (and we do) or there is not enough for both of us and if they have it, we can’t.

Whatever it is we perceive the other person having, we think that our not having it diminishes us somehow. Or, their possession of it threatens a key component to our identity, usually a sense of being special or important.

This conditioned response is based in a scarcity model of life. We feel that the other person having something means there is less or none of that admirable thing available for us. And, at one level, this perception is accurate. If someone else gets the last tank of gas at the pump, there is indeed no more gas in that pump for you. However, there are likely other gas stations you could go to in order to fill up. Alternately, there are cars that run on other types of fuel and many alternate ways to get yourself from point A to point B. However, if all you are focused on is who got the last drop of gas in that particular pump, then indeed there is something you can’t and don’t have. When we say “there is an energy crisis” what we really mean is there is a fossil fuel crisis. There is plenty of energy, but not enough of a certain type that we prefer and are used to using.

Often, when jealousy or envy is triggered, what is threatened is our habitual and preferred way of thinking about ourselves as special. When others appear not to recognize our specialness, or take something to which we feel entitled, we go from feeling secure to feeling inadequate and uncertain.

What are some good strategies for taking our jealous and envious reactions and the energy created by them and using it to create abundance instead of scarcity, to respond positively to the challenge instead of indulging in destructive behavior?

How To Use Your Jealousy and Envy For Growth - Some Easy Guidelines:

1) Don’t Just Imitate – Integrate!

You will never be anything but a second-rate version of someone else. You may admire the qualities and skills of another, but anytime you catch yourself inflating or diminishing yourself when comparing yourself with them, you are missing the point. Go ahead and learn and integrate the skills and behaviors you admire in the other person, but make them your own, imbue them with your unique expression. Be the absolute first-rate you!

2) Don’t just Agitate – Motivate!

If you want something, how can you get it in a way that benefits everyone in the relationship? How can you take your desire for change and have it add to, rather than take away from the relationship? What can you do that doesn’t rely on needing to inflate yourself or deflate another in order to feel ok? Don't just react against something and stew in the feelings of unfairness and inadequacy that your jealousy generates, do something positive for yourself that you can feel good about. Being against something is easy, being for yourself...that takes some action!

3) Don’t Just Regurgitate – Innovate!

Ask yourself these questions before just going on autopilot and spewing the usual reaction to your envy or jealousy

• Is there really scarcity here – not enough for me to share in?
• Do I feel a sense of unfairness?
• Do I see myself as a victim here? What are the advantages and disadvantages of my victim mindset?
• What can I do right now that is a new behavior to free me from my negative pattern?

Realize that your perception and subsequent interpretation of your experiences are mostly learned and should be questioned as they may or may not be accurate. Whatever you interact with can provide a sounding board, a focus, a mirror, a target, an excuse, permission to feel your feelings, inspiration to think your thoughts, and material to derive meaning and purpose from life. What you choose to do is up to you. Why not use each experience to learn and grow? What are you waiting for?

Warm Regards,

Cinda

Simple Doesn't Mean Easy

Many of the tried and true practices offered to enhance self-growth, personal development, and build relationships are quite simple in theory. The concepts are easy to understand, make sense ethically and logically, and they sound easy to implement. And, they would be easy to practice if we were doing them with our whole heart and mind, but we usually aren't. Instead, they compete with the conditioned behaviors and responses which, (although they are hidden from our conscious mind) are our default operating mode. We try to insert a new practice into a maze of conflicting priorities. We are stressed and exhausted and worried while longing to realize our personal truth, deepest goals and essential selves.

One of the most common mistakes we make when we start a new practice for self-growth, is to expect results to happen immediately. If they don't, we think the practice isn't working and give up. Most people don't test the efficacy of a new practice by giving it enough time to become a pattern compelling enough to replace the old behavior or problem. We really want there to be a magic remedy - something that comes from outside of us and fixes everything. We may know that the only lasting changes we make come from within, but we wish a lightning bolt solution would strike us and fix what ails us!

Many people experience the beginning stages of empowerment of our true essence at retreats, or in places where the environment does not contain our usual stressers and triggers. We leave these experiences euphoric and motivated. But, when we get home and are no longer isolated from our day-to-day lives, our the ability to maintain that state of mind is sorely challenged. The autopilot reactions we learned to cope with conflict and unwanted stimuli step back into the forefront again, unless we are very aware and consistently practice the strategies or methods we have chosen to improve our life experience.

When you decide what you want to do to improve your experience of life, whether it is
eating healthier foods, getting more exercise, meditation, practicing mindfulness, spiritual study, or another creative expression, you need to keep at it daily so it has the opportunity to become as easy for you as your current behaviors are. Our undesired behaviors and reactions had many years to become habit, so we need to allow the new activity time to be cultivated, grow, and blossom.

Here are a few techniques you can use to keep your focus and re-commit to your new practices daily:

• Remembering that creating and sustaining new behaviors takes thought and effort at the beginning
  
• Remembering why we chose to do this - what are the benefits we are intending
• Finding ways to create the intended benefits throughout the day in smaller units, in addition to regular more lengthy practice
• Approach the new practice as a pleasure because of the benefits it provides, rather than focusing on how difficult it is because it is new and different
• Tracking progress and challenges in a journal or log - puts more intention into the activity

I encourage you to contact me to let me know how the ideas and suggestions from these blogs are working for you. I want to hear about what works best, where you are challenged, and any adaptations you have discovered. You can reply directly to the blog or email me at cindahocking@yahoo.com.

Warm Regards,

Cinda

The Problem With Hope

Dear Friends

Hope is something we generally think of as positive. It keeps us going in tough times and is the light at the end of our tunnel of suffering. But, hard as it may be to believe, hope has a dark side. The dark side is that hope exists primarily as a reflection of anxiety. Hope, like anxiety, is all about what might happen in the future, not about what is happening in the moment. We set up hoped-for circumstances which, if we attain, we believe will make our lives more successful and fulfilling. Setting goals is not the problem, it is when we postpone living right now until those conditions have been met that creates our absence in the present moment. Anything that threatens our hoped-for future turns into a cause for anxiety.

The biggest disadvantage of using hope to cope, according to the gifted author Dr. Richard Moss is when "we substitute heading for our lives for actually living." In other words, we use hope to avoid and evade what we are actually feeling and what is really happening right now. In our search for success, we become focused on the future, avoiding self-examination of what our senses, bodies, emotions and thoughts are teaching us as well as the enjoyment and growth opportunities of the present moment. Instead, we fast-forward through the moment, working towards a future in which we hope we will have the time and space to really start living. We live in hope that "things might get better." Is living in hope really much different than living in anxiety? Anxiety's only different because the thoughts about the future are primarily worry that "things might get worse". However, both of these perspectives diminish our capacity to truly "be" in the present moment.

More often than not, we use hope to hide from ourselves. We don't really believe in the power of the moment and that the experiences of the past and possibilities of the future inform but don't define who we are, unless we let them. Who we are is happening right here, right now. In each moment we can redefine it, but we have to be fully in the moment to do that!!

An exercise you can use to experience the fullness of the moment rather than escaping into hope (or anxiety) is to stop when you catch yourself longing to be elsewhere and just let yourself feel and tune into what is going on within and around you. Notice your bodily sensations, the environment, your feelings and thoughts. Pay attention and be aware like this for a minimum of five breaths. You will be amazed at the richness and detail that surfaces around and within you when you do this. It gives you a much-needed respite from the relentless swing of hope/anxiety, judging/appeasing, building ourselves up/knocking ourselves down we usually operate in.

While we all may know deep down that the moment is really all there actually is, we don't usually practice being in it! I have been amazed how simply bringing awareness and attention to the present, regardless of whether I like what is happening or not, creates a tremendous sense of clarity and appreciation for my life, as well as a sense of fullness that far exceeds my hopes.

Warm Regards,

Cinda

Understanding Our Own Minds

Hi Friends,

Due to the nature of our early life we all have unconsciously programmed and conditioned behaviors and reactions that helped us survive our earlier years, but left us with a lot of trouble understanding ourselves once we mature! During our formative stages we learned methods to avoid pain and survive, emotionally, physically, and socially. The methods we learned were based on our natural temperment and how others in our environment reacted to the way we expressed ourselves. Their reactions usually taught us we were insufficient or not enough of what was required, or that our natural expressiveness was excessive or too much for them. We learned what was acceptable and not acceptable to others, and to suppress, hide and deny aspects of ourselves which were disapproved of. When we felt the need to control the reactions of others the basic choices we saw to take charge of the situation were to anticipate and accommodate, defy and rebel, or stonewall and withdraw. These survival strategies became seamlessly integrated into our identity and their origin forgotten. Unfortunately, the underlying belief that most of us took away from our early conditioning is that our real, true selves are inadequate and unworthy. This fear remains lurking in our unconscious, getting triggered by situations that stress or threaten the positive or negative social identity we have created to mask or calm this fear.

Our social identity is comprised of roles such as the "spoiled girl" the "successful businessman" the "creative artist" or the "funny fat guy." When the identities we use to cover our feelings of insufficiency are questioned, we are thrown into survival mode and our early programming and conditioning takes over. Some examples: even when you are trained and relatively competent at a job do you get the feeling that you are a fraud and your expertise is not real? Have you felt like someone questioning you at all invalidates and insults you? This is that early conditioning and fear of underlying inadequacy getting triggered.

It is easy to get triggered because we also tend to overly value, idealize and identify with whatever aspects of our social personality we are using to cover our fear of inadequacy and unworthiness. The more able we are to understand how our minds work, the more curious we become and the less threatened we feel when one of our roles and social identities is questioned or challenged.

The next time you feel yourself getting triggered, try naming and staying with the feeling (without overly identifying with it) and ask yourself what it is you fear. If you can name the feeling, the thoughts that feed it and observe it, you can make a more informed choice of behavior. When you get stressed or threatened, notice whether and when you automatically anticipate and accommodate, defy and rebel, or stonewall and withdraw. Get the feelings, accompanying thoughts and fear out where you can see them, and you'll be amazed what you learn about your own mind!

Warm Regards,

Cinda

Who Am I, Really? Are My Roles My Identity?

Dear Friends,

In America not a social occasion goes by without someone asking within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone “what do you do?” People ask each other about their roles making a living and producing value for society to help them define each other quickly and feel more at ease. The context of your major life roles gives them a way to figure out what relationship to have with you, and what value you have or could provide to them, and what they may need to do in exchange. It provides social rules and guidelines for behavior. I am primarily “John’s mom” to my son’s friends, I was “the social worker” to hospital staff, and a “student” in seminars I attended. This need for definition is both limiting and comforting.

I remember being surprised traveling in Europe years ago when the question of “what do you do?” didn’t come up in conversation for a long time. Instead, people wanted to know “who are you?” They were interested in what moved you and what you had passion for. They wanted to know what values you had and what essential components flavored ALL your roles. Their way of figuring you out was to look at what makes you tick.

We all have many roles in life that we play, and these roles we play or refuse to play take prominence on the different stages we act on. When we are with our families, we are focused on being (or rebelling against and not being) mothers, brothers, daughters. When we are providing something society requires in exchange for wages we are waiters, doctors, teachers, plumbers. When we are learning a skill, we are students. We are all of the roles we play, yet no one role completely defines us. And if one role does define us, the threatened or actual loss of that role is devastating to our sense of identity.

We see people become lost with a diminished sense of meaning and purpose when the role or context of a role that has become part of their identity is removed. This happens when we retire, children move out, we lose spouses, become chronically ill, or move away from a familiar environment.

However, some people feel restricted by their roles and seek out role changes to provide them with a renewed sense of freedom and ability to find and reconfigure their essence pieces into a new definition of self.

Here is an exercise to help you discover and cultivate the question “Who Am I, Really?”

This will help you learn to live more from a sense of identity that is integrated into yet transcends the roles you play. You can begin to develop this skill by asking and answering a few simple, yet profound questions.

FIRST - you want to ask and learn “what is my essence, what defines me?” This question alone will provide tremendous insight if you really answer it.

Caution - this question alone is not enough. You could think about it all day. Most of us do think about this while resenting or feeling stifled in our life roles. We then become more involved with worrying about how “this isn’t it” or “this isn’t me” than actually working with developing what IS.

SECOND, you want to ask - "what actions do I take to develop and demonstrate it in ALL my roles?"

There are some details you can explore that may help you in answering these questions:

1) Is there something I do everywhere, all the time? .

2) What about me flavors and spices every role I play, yet is also independent of all those roles?

HOW TO USE ROLE CONFUSION AND CONFLICT FOR PERSONAL GROWTH

Have you noticed how unsettled people become when your behavior doesn’t match their idea of how a role “should” be played, or when your idea of how to act in a role doesn’t match theirs? The simplest example is the discomfort people have with not being able to tell what someone’s gender or sexual orientation is.

Have you noticed how unsettled you become when the behaviors you feel are needed for your various roles clash, or the demands of your roles conflict with each other? The ultimate choices of behavior you make in these situations tell you a lot about your self-identity.

DON’T FORGET - we have all sorts of ideas of who we really are, but we also have to then take the actions to manifest them ,or they remain untapped potential. If your actions don’t show it, how is anyone else to really know it, or get to know the real you? Define yourself in your roles, don’t let your notions of a role define you. Our roles provide opportunities to express our essence, yet usually we use them to limit ourselves and others. How can you start right now to make every action, in every role, more authentic and real? Ideas, feelings, and core values are internal catalysts, motivators and fuel, but no matter what role we are in, our actions are what tell others who we really are.

Embrace yourself, be yourself. Let your words express your essence. Let your deeds match your words. There will always be opinions, there will always be judgments. Someone will always think and feel something about you. It might as well be about who you really are!

Cinda